Just be yourself? Unless if your name is Superhead, I don’t think so… April 18, 2009

I found this website totally by fluke and it TOTALLY BLEW MY MIND.

I wish I would have come up with this. I think I could have sold this. Before telling you the site, I’m going to pick my favorite parts of it.

I’m better than everybody.

Some people find me arrogant. Don’t like that? Leave. I don’t need you anyway. I have enough people desperately seeking my attention. Oh, but my massive popularity is no accident. I studied social psychology and human behavior for years to alter my personality and become a master of social manipulation and human interaction.

Classic. I love it. This dude had better be Mr. fucking T. Yes, I know, I’m bringing him up again, but Easy E. You should all check out his song I wanna fuck with you. After listening to those lyrics, you will understand. Or you can listen to Teddy Pendergrass.

FYI-for those of you not familiar with Teddy’s powers…he sings the most INCREDIBLE love songs…ok, let me rephrase that…he SCREAMS the most incredible love songs. If someone’s trying to get down and they put on some Teddy, you’re in for a rough ride. Like really rough. Like so rough you’re going to be part of the ever growing population of people who break their penis. Like so rough it’s daggering. I’m not kidding.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2379533.ece

Now I’m the person everybody tries to impress and wants to be seen with. I have legions of friends wherever I go. People give me practically whatever I please and it’s all so easy for me. Half of the time, I don’t even have anything valuable to say, but people still just can’t get enough of me. And while jealous losers can’t stand me, everyone else thinks I’m the greatest thing in the world – and they’re right, I am.

Ok, now as much as I love me (I mean, you ALL know how much I love myself)…this is just ridiculous. This guy (it can’t be a girl who wrote that…we know this) is so full of himself that even I recognize the signs of megalomania.

Ok, wiki break…Megalomania (from the Greek word μεγαλομανία) is a historical term for behavior characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, genius, or omnipotence — often generally termed as delusions of grandeur or grandiose delusions

I mean, megalomaniac or not, this is awesome. As I was saying earlier, this can’t be a woman. Why not? If it was a woman writing this, she would say “everyone loves my incredible cleavage, tight ass and I swallow by the gallon…oh yeah, and my name is Superhead”

You already know me.

When I read that, I laughed. I laughed so hard. I laughed so hard my abs hurt. I laughed so hard I cried. I’m still laughing.

When I read that, the first thought that came to mind was that loser who’s ass I kicked decided to get a computer. I also went through ex-lovers that could possibly have gotten a brain and have access to a pc. Yes, I thought long and hard over that. I actually came up with a pretty long list. And it wasn’t just exs. It was EVERYONE I knew. (if you’re reading this, it’s cause I gave you this link and I admire at the least one characteristic that you possess and you’re not part of EVERYONE.)

Ok, now do you want me to tell you what this is?

It’s a site to sell ball deodorant…

Ok, not really. But I fooled you didn’t I?

Ok, it’s a site selling some sort of e-book called Popular. Before I knew what was being sold to me, I thought it was an introduction to the magical world of schizophrenia. Or multiple personality.

Or Britney Spear’s autobiography.

“…and then I told Paw that he couldn’t, just COULDN’T stop me from living the dream!!! I ran out of the house and into the barn where I had a dozen guys waiting for me. I opened wide and then the world went white…”

Oh wait, that might not be Brit’s autobiography…my bad! Back to Superhead…

After reading that, I tried googling the book. Nothing came up. Not surprising considering that if you scroll to the bottom of the page, this is what is written.

If you have any problems downloading, just email me and I’ll send you the book again. It’s no big deal. Just don’t waste my time with a bunch of crap about how you disapprove of what I do, or how you think I’m lying, or any other skeptical, opinionated crap that you likely produce on a daily basis. I know you people tend to have a lot of time on your hands to voice your endless complaints, but for God’s sake, spare me. Either get my book and teach yourself how to make people care about what you have to say, or go pay someone $200/hour to listen to you instead.

With that vote of confidence, what can go wrong. I wish I knew shrinks who charged $200 an hour by the way. I’m assuming those are the Hollywood ones that listen to celebrities talk about their messed up childhoods…flashback to the barn scene please…Or the ones that create a reality TV show Celebrity Rehab (what a hilarious show that was…the only thing missing was Scientology)

I wish I had that much self confidence. I really do. In my head at times, I can take over the world, but this guy sounds like the Sham Wow guy…before beating up a hooker. I don’t know if I’m that guy…euh…I mean girl.

For a good time, check out the site… www.thepopularlife.com

It’s going to change your life.

Plottes à fighters, puck sluts, posers and wiggers…with a cherry on top please!!! April 16, 2009

I have never given up my private parts to a celebrity because I was star struck.

I have never dated or pursued someone because they were famous.

I hate people who do.

My lovely better half reports for a French Quebecois website that covers mma events and news (www.ultimefanatic.com) He interviews fighters and trainers and goes to events. The new “cool” thing out there is “plottes à fighters”. That’s what I want to be…If only you could all hear the sarcasm and see the eyes rolling

Plotte, by the way, is a pretty demeaning French word meaning “pussy”…or…to be literal, “cunt”. I love the word cunt so for me, plotte is an awesome alternative when I’m speaking my second language.

Plotte

French Canadian slang word used to define:
1-Female genitalia
2-A girl who dress like a prostitute
3-A girl who has sexual relations with LOTS of different male
4-In Montreal only – A girl who is sexy
5-A male who is afraid of doing something

1-J’y ai mangé la plotte
2-Check moé la plotte!
3-S’tune plotte c’te fille là
4-Ostie qu’est plotte!
5-Ostie que té plotte!

Courtesy of http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=plotte&defid=1185455

So…I want to wear tapout whore-gear and parade in front of super buffed, beat up fighters and give them blow jobs in the bathroom of the club where they’re hosting their after parties. I would also like to contract syphilis and have my teeth knocked out and my tonsils burnt so that I have no gag reflex and I would like to move to St-Jerome and work out in a gym in barely there tank tops to expose my $10 000 DD breasts and have super camel toe. Like beyond camel toe. I want to redefine camel toe with my camel toe, that’s how camel-y I want to toe. I want to BE the toe ho. That’s kinda huge aspirations.

I don’t GET fake people. I don’t get white people who assume I’m G-G-G-G- UNIT!! Or that I’m from the ghetto. Or that my mom’s a crack ho with no teeth and my daddy’s in jail for a b&e that went wrong. C’mon now. There’s a black PRESIDENT for god’s sake. He didn’t get THAT position through his platinum record sales or his hoes. Really. He didn’t PIMP that. He’s not Snoop, or Ol’ Dirty Bastard (who by the way is TOTALLY underrated…he is the ORIGINAL gansta…him and Easy E…Easy E’s awesome lyrics have inspired my attitude towards hooking up with people…first black man in the media to die from aids…from having BONED TOO MANY HOES!!!) Anyways, back to me.

I remember my first week back in college in the eastern townships. I went to a dorm party (man there was like millions of those ALL THE TIME)…and some white person asked me, “So did you hear the new LL Cool J album?”

I stopped drinking my beer to look at this poor, misinformed white person.

“Ummm…no?”

“Oh well, how about THAT album or THAT artist and blah blah blah”

I did walk away from that person and never spoke to them ever again even though unfortunately they lived one floor above me.

I remember going to Reggie’s back in the late 90’s and being the only “white person” there on their reggae night. Really, THAT was fun.

I also remember going to a few jump up after parties and again being the only “white person” in attendance. Good times were had by all. I had WHITE people suck their teeth at me. C’mon. Let’s get a life, shall we?

Now, let’s look at me shall we?

I don’t wear a size 0. I never have and I never will.

I have curves.

I look in the mirror and wish I could lose 20 lbs. Ok, more like 30lbs.

I don’t wear sexy clothes because I feel like they’re made for people 30 lbs smaller than me.

I am not star struck, or celebrity struck or anything struck. Except maybe my better half struck but everyone knows that already.

I hate working out but I love the feeling it gives me after I’m done and it frustrates me that I’m losing the inches but not the pounds.

I hate skinny bitches who give me the once over, decide I’m too ugly/fat/unstylish and then decide to flirt with my boyfriend…with me standing right beside him holding his hand.

I feel insecure when my boyfriend tells me about the camel toe brigade in his mma classes.

I do have the confidence of a typhoon, but only when the mood hits me.

But as I was telling my boyfriend earlier, I hooked up with MANY people that were “out of my league”. I mean one look at him and it explains it all.

I met my boyfriend when I weighted over 200 lbs. I had a set of tits and a big old ass that I used to my advantage. The whole time I was hitting on him (I already had his number by then) I had my assets all over him, literally. I was “up in his grille”…big time.

I mesmerized him with my sexy flirting techniques and before he knew it, we were a couple and it’s been almost 6 years and he’s still here.

I’m his plotte à fighter. 110%.

Now that the UFC is here this week end, I see all these desperate tapout whores hanging out at the big hotels downtown looking like flies gathering around a pile of shit. Ladies…if you do manage to get your hooch on with a fighter, or a trainer, or a photographer or journalist in the hopes of getting GSP into your cooch…guess what? They’ll fuck you once, then forget all about you because there’s a line up with girls who look JUST LIKE YOU, with the same blonde streaks and maybe a half of cup size bigger, with the same chiseled abs and tight ass and whose pink taco is somewhat tighter and can deep throat a little bit better than you, honey. Sorry for the FYI but guess what? Sunday morning when you’re on your way home, that slip of paper with your contact info is being picked up by the cleaning lady. And there’s no way that any happily married man will leave his wife for a dumb, 5 cent whore like you.

Yes, I said it.

And it’s true.

So ladies, maybe you should THINK before laying out the goods like a cheap plotte. Cause that’s what you are and your stank is all over my beautiful city.

I can’t wait until Sunday when my city will go back to its crummy, sleazy, un-tapout ways.

Voulez-vous cyber avec moi, ce soir? April 15, 2009

So…the age of technology brings us together. We have access to millions of websites, and the world is literally a click away…24/7, 7 days a week ALL THE TIME!!!

That’s fabulous…really it is…especially since I make it sound like a second hand car salesman pitch…

However, what about the cyber girlfriend? How much of a click away is she? And can you claim her in your divorce petition?

YES YOU CAN.

With cyber surfing at IT’S PEAK, you can do anything you want. Look up that ex on facebook, send them pictures of you and your happy family, start chit chatting about that one time, at band camp…then innocently hook up for some “cyber”…yes, “cyber”.

Cybersex, computer sex, internet sex or net sex is a virtual sex encounter in which two or more persons connected remotely via a computer network send one another sexually explicit messages describing a sexual experience. It is a form of role-playing in which the participants pretend they are having actual sexual relations. (Thanks wiki…what would I do without you)

So…cybering turns into a regular thing. Its disease free, it’s monetarily free, there’s no wining, no dining and hey, you don’t even have to shower or clean up your place before, during or after. There’s NO incriminating evidence aside from your browsing history and cookies, and not the double stuffed Oreo type cookies. I mean how great is that? You can look into your wife/girlfriend’s eyes and tell her HONESTLY that you ARE NOT SLEEPING WITH ANYONE ELSE. However, in most cases, cyber turns bad (unless if you are paying to watch a lesbian couple have sex through web cam with your credit card)

Guess what happens when you’re chatting with someone who doesn’t really know your uber bad habits, and they’re just someone you know via the internet…you start talking to them about your life. Every little, teeny, tiny ant hill sized bump in your relationship is overly analyzed by someone who quickly becomes the third party in your happy twosome. You know that expression “make a mountain out of an ant hill”…or something along those lines? That’s what happens when you have a mistress, or lover, or what I like to call a concubine. What makes it a little worse on the internet is that you don’t SEE what the other person looks like at the moment. You’re not making that face to face contact with them so they can’t tell if you’re holding back or lying. You’re also too not telling them the WHOLE story (you know the oh so very important part of the argument/disagreement)

Let’s give an example. This didn’t happen to me but it is a true story.

I had a girl friend that was having problems with her boyfriend. They were together for about 3-4 years then and she was always complaining and crying to our little group of friends from university and she was clearly the most pathetic, miserable person IN THE WORLD and she was fed up with living the life of a MARTYR because her boyfriend was horrible. So, being at a university with over 10 000 students, I’m thinking…hey, why doesn’t she do like me and troll the university and meet some interesting, fuckeable people like I had managed to do? (I was younger, single and horny ok? ) She had the opportunity of a lifetime. University should change its name to something more…accurate. It should be called “the gathering of young 20-something rabbits in heat humping each other and stressing out over their 17^th coffee in a row over that midterm that only counts for 5% of your final mark and then wonder why you have severe anxiety syndrome AND that funny bump on your genitals that somewhat grew and is turning red and itches so this means you need to sleep with that pre-med student so they can diagnose you for free)

Anyways, back to my poor, martyred friend who had had enough, and I mean ENOUGH from her current situation. I, being in my single, carefree only cares about herself stage of my life, told her to go have a one night stand to see if she could and to get it out of her system. If we fast forward 6 ½ years into the future in my current I care about my boyfriend/future spouse and my stepson and am working hard to create a healthy womb for my future children, then I would tell her she’s nuts and to stop whining and to either piss or get off the pot and to communicate with her partner. Look at what ovaries and domesticality can do to your train of thought. *sigh*

What does she decide to do? Sleep with her professor? NNNNOOOO. Sleep with some frat boy? NNNOOO. Go troll downtown Montreal during spring break and try hooking up with some random stranger? NNNOOO.

She decides to go ONLINE and find SOMEONE. That “someone” turned out to be a “student completing their master’s in philosophy in another rabbit humping locale in another city in Canada with a beer bong attached to his school’s official baseball hat.” My friend being the way she is, looked up this guy through the university’s student directory, found out he was legit and started communicating with him…all the time.

We were no longer her sisterhood that she could turn too over every boo boo her current HORRIBLE boyfriend committed, we were her sound board over how OMG AWESOME this almost master’s in hand guy was from butt fuck nowhere (for me butt fuck nowhere is everywhere that doesn’t have me in it…sorry world, you’re just a butt fuck nowhere kinda place)

Guess what happened? Her boyfriend called ME up in the middle of the night and asked me what the hell was wrong with HIS girlfriend. (This is what you get by the way when you are the SINGLE girl in someone’s group of friends because you know all the answers and you can be awakened at 3 am because you don’t have a snoring partner beside you) I feigned ignorance and told him to call me in the morning. He called at 8am. *sigh* I was starting to understand my friend’s discontent with her partner, just a little.

We went out for coffee. I pretended I was an exchange student from Sweden. “Ja? Nooo…uumm…Ja Ja Ja JA” He didn’t fall for it but I did get a bagel and coffee for free and I didn’t even have to show him my ta tas… How cool is that?

So this went on for a while…until I kinda took my girl friend aside and pretty much told her that her boyfriend was a super nice guy and that she had to stop. So what did she do? She LEFT HER BOYFRIEND. And then she went to the butt fuck nowhere town for a week to meet Mr. Master’s in philosophy. And she came back 3 days later devastated. Why? They had no real chemistry face to face and she realized she left the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HER. Did he take her back? What do you think?…

Anyways, cyber flirting, dating, sex whatever is just not…well…it just doesn’t help your relationship when things start to go bad. Because you’re always wondering “what if”…Do I condone cheating? No. Is there ever a good excuse to cheat? No. However, I would prefer that my boyfriend, if he were ever to cheat on me, tell me “I got super drunk and someone slipped some GHB into my drink and I woke up with some girl I don’t know sitting on my cock and my kidneys removed and sold on the black market” instead of “I like to chat with this girl who added me to her facebook friends a few months ago and I think I’m in love with her”… Actually, I hope my boyfriend never has this conversation with me, because if he does, I will probably “Bobbitt” him and the dirty slut he’s in love with.

Which is why I love these forms.

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following
period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the
stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak
to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile
after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for
a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if
permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me
the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total
Locations to be visited
Females with whom conversation
is permitted
IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above,
I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic
dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of
the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree
it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost
me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards
whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree,
should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any
stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I
promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you
up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half),
the above information is correct.
Signed – Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
Request is: APPROVED DENIED
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
􀀅……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:
Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS
Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:
I’m going out.
Signed: (me) _____________________________

If only we could use them in REAL life, eh?

Hooked on phonics worked for me… April 7, 2009

So we have to begin to wonder what the world is coming to when a convicted pedophile can successfully sue someone for defamation of character because heavens forbid! Someone blew the whistle on said pedophiles past indiscretions! OH THE SHAME!!!

So we’re at an interesting crossroads with technology and human rights. What is crossing the line now-a-days?

Could it be the ruling in favor of a 12 year old female who sued her father and won? Why did she sue him? He GROUNDED her and wouldn’t allow her to go one her year-end class field trip. Why did he ground her? For bypassing his obviously flimsy parental control software and accessing sites she wasn’t supposed to. I wouldn’t ground my kid for something like that. I would take the pc away. If my 12 year old could bypass a parental control…well…c’mon, you connect the dots.

Another interesting fact for you all to digest…tens of thousands children being misdiagnosed as dyslexic when in fact they just weren’t thought how to read properly.

So when is birth control going to become mandatory until given an IQ test?

I know the world is becoming overpopulated, but c’mon!!! It’s people like this that give women like me a bad name. When honest women want to have a kid with a man, most men use this as examples to NOT HAVE CHILDREN.

This is something a bit close to home in my situation. For the longest time, when talking about wanting kids, I was told it was to “manipulate” men and that “having a kid is a bad idea”. I was also told I knew nothing about raising children.

I know enough to never never never EVER sit back and let a convicted pedophile that repeatly molested a boy SEVERAL times get away with it. It might sound somewhat extreme, but trust me…do you think if a pedophile not only fondled but penetrated your child not once, but SEVERAL times…you would allow him to be ANYWHERE outside of that jail cell?

I also know as well that MY 12 year old is NOT on the pc when they want and they’re smart enough to hack into a parental control that blocks certain sites then trust me, that pc is getting put away until summer vacation.

I also know that not teaching your child the joy of reading is a crime!!! With today’s digital everything, the only way to really use your imagination is to get lost in a book. With movies and games and youtube and google, it’s a system overload. Don’t you remember being a kid and actually imagining what Curious George would look like at the zoo?

Or what a spandex wearing midget and his tall skinny friend look like at a biker’s rally?

Soooo….

It’s funny how children grow up so fast now-a-days but parents still baby them.

It’s bad enough seeing 14 year olds with over the butt tattoos. Those used to be for strippers. Then overnight everyone had them. It’s funny too how the other day at a family party, there was a girl there who was 11-12 years old and was wearing more make up than me. And I was pimped out that night.

And no, when I was 12, I didn’t wear 5 layers of mascara and heavy eye liner and have a butt tattoo. I was however stealing cigarettes and getting drunk when we could steal booze at parties. Mind you, don’t ask me what I was doing at 13-14. We don’t want to go there. Not while the children are still awake.

So what do you all think? Do you think the judge was correct? I don’t. I think that the lawyer who took the case is a moron looking for more money. I’m all for kids deciding at the age of 12 who they want to live with if their parents are separated. To sue a parent for grounding them? C’mon…

And a pedophile WINNING for someone blowing the whistle on them for BEING A PEDOPHILE? Defamation of character? I think he went there when he pursued a boy.

If this is what today’s world is like, maybe I’m not ready to have a kid then. Maybe I’m too SMART for that…

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/montreal/story/2009/04/07/mtl-quebecgirl-sues-dad-0407.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1168209/Dyslexic-children-simply-struggle-read-Expert-claims-tens-thousands-falsely-diagnosed.html

http://www.thelocal.se/18466/20090326/

No more oral sex for YYOOUU!!! April 5, 2009

So I don’t want tonsil cancer. This means I’m going to stop performing oral sex. Seriously.

New studies show that it could be a cause in tonsil cancer. Now that we smoke less and less, who would of known that putting a big old piece of flesh in our mouths is as detrimental?

Hmm…I’m assuming that the old headache excuse has been flung right out the window and now it’s “no, honey, I’m NOT putting THAT in my mouth…cancer cooties EWW EWW EWW”

However…in this study, it does say that French kissing might also be considered a factor…so I’m resorting to “Eskimo kissing”. I’m assuming for now it’s safe, however give them about 1-2 years before they ruin THAT for me… My boyfriend and I are ahead of the times…we rub elbows and sleep in separate beds like Bert and Ernie.

Now, when I look up on various medical sites, most tonsil cancer causes don’t include being carpet connoisseurs or deep throat experts. I get the HIV/AIDS reference and the genetics always come into play…smoking and drinking regularly can cause more than just tonsil cancer. So I’m wondering how accurate these claims are.

So the next time I’m not up to some bukake, do I simply tell my boyfriend “I DON’T WANT CANCER!!!” It can backfire though…especially in the reciprocal game.

So I’m closing this with a challenge…I’m asking for proof that oral sex is bad for your health..related to cancer!!!

http://blogs.usatoday.com/betterlife/2009/04/researchers-suspect-oral-sex-to-blame-for-rise-in-tonsil-cancer.html

Hyperglycemia, Neuroglycopenia, Hypoglycemia…would you like some fries with that? April 4, 2009

So the last few days have been pretty scary for me. Probably the scariest of my life so far. And scary not in the “holy $hit we’re going too fast and I’m gonna toss my cookies” scary or even Pennywise’s “Want a Balloon..They all FLOAT” scariness…this one here takes the cake.

So the other day my glycemic levels were uber high. I slept all day and didn’t take my ketone levels and didn’t go to the emergency. I took oodles of insulin and drank water and slept like a baby. Of course I found out only AFTER the fact that I could theoretically have and should have been testing my ketone levels. It’s a simple test you buy at the pharmacy where you pee on a stick then compare the color. I didn’t know these things existed. Really. Every time I had issues with ketones, the poor doctor would try to shove a big needle into my artery (unlike veins, the artery is uber hard and hurts like a bitch when trying to puncture it…so guess what my ketone-hating self thinks of when trying to find out if such ketones exist?…you got it people!!)

So before I continue, maybe it’s time you all knew what ketones and glycemic levels are…

The average normal person should have a glucose level of around 4.5 to 7.0 mmol/L. A diabetic will have glucose levels higher than 7. My goal is to keep them under 10, to which I have been about 95% successful.

Diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA) is a life-threatening complication in patients with diabetes mellitus. DKA is characterized by high blood sugar, acidosis, and high levels of ketone bodies.

So in layman terms, ketones aren’t good. They infest a diabetic’s blood supply like an infection and it hurts and it messes up your kidney functions. I’ve had DKA once, and I vowed never ever EVER again to go down that path.

However, the other day, my sugars were in the 20’s. I $hit you not. I purged my body with water water water and slept like only the ill can sleep…ALL DAY. I woke up the next day and felt incredibly refreshed but I knew I had to touch base with my doctor. Since he wasn’t in his office (I WISH I could have office hours like some of these specialists…seriously) I trekked my perfect feeling body to the emergency room. YUCK.

Now, I know people use the emergency room for EMERGENCIES. However, I feel like my hospital’s emergency room is a geriatric’s playground. Almost everyone smelt like moth balls and most of the patients seemed to remember WWII…and not just from the TV. So on that note, you can probably imagine how the staff feels. Except the doctor that saw me should maybe tone down his bedside mannerism. I’m not senile nor am I a hypochondriac. I finally take my doctor’s advice and come to the emergency when I’m not well and I get attitude. He looked like he DIDN’T believe me. Hmmm… He also seemed like the type of guy who, when being intimate with his better half, after she totally cums, he sits back and questions her like 10 times to make sure she’s not lying…”Honey, so you’re sure, right? When you grinded your hips into me at the 47 degree angle, that’s when it happened? Now wait…let’s get this straight…47 or 48 degree angle, dear, because I want to be sure”…yeah, that kind of prick. So after peeing in mini cups and pissing blood into vials, I was free for 2 hours to roam the hospital. I found out 3 hours later that I had a whopper of a bladder infection and I felt like slapping that self righteous noob in the face. However, it’s funny getting asked repeatly if it burns…”Miss…does IT BURN when you pee…no but DOES IT BBUURRNN…HOT yes?” HA

That was amusing but I was asleep during most of the scary parts so I don’t really remember.

Last night was a different story.

So I’m watching a movie with my boyfriend in bed. I feel like my sugar is a bit low so I pop 3 glucose tablets and pull out my gluco-meter. Then I blink and I’m looking at my shoes and I’m sitting on my couch in the living room. OK, so let’s try to put the facts together.

I went from being UNCLOTHED in bed watching a movie to being FULLY DRESSED with SHOES on, in my living room…and all I did was blink. OK, I did more than blink, but that’s the scary part.

My sugars were ridiculously low. When I look at my gluco-meter’s history, I cringe. 2.3. That would be great as a GPA. But for a living human’s glucose level? Hell’s no…with a cherry on top.

Let’s refer back to what I wrote earlier… The average normal person should have a glucose level of around 4.5 to 7.0 mmol/L.

2.3 is like half of 4.5. That’s really not good. And it stayed that low for about 20 minutes. During my 2.3 episode, I was here but not. According to my boyfriend, I was crying, fighting for control and just…well, not here. When my sugars came up to about 3.1, I was staring at my shoes and wondering how the hell I got on my couch with pants on. It felt like the absolute worst bad trip of my life. Imagine not being in control of what you’re doing for almost 20 minutes while your body is fighting to not go in a coma… There’s a name for it (there’s name for everything now a days and I love it!!)

Neuroglycopenia is a medical term that refers to a shortage of glucose (glycopenia) in the brain, usually due to hypoglycemia. Glycopenia affects the function of neurons, and alters brain function and behavior. Prolonged neuroglycopenia can result in permanent damage to the brain.

Hmm…I can think of several other things that might damage my brain…but we won’t go there right now. Looking at the symptoms of neuroglycopenia is a bit spooky because the list is so long and I’m wondering how long it will take me to experience all these symptoms.

• Abnormal mentation, impaired judgement
• Nonspecific dysphoria, anxiety, moodiness, depression, crying, fear of dying, suicidal thoughts
• Negativism, irritability, belligerence, combativeness, rage
• Personality change, emotional lability
• Fatigue, weakness, apathy, lethargy, daydreaming, sleep
• Confusion, amnesia, dizziness, delirium
• Staring, “glassy” look, blurred vision, double vision
• Automatic behavior
• Difficulty speaking, slurred speech
• Ataxia, incoordination, sometimes mistaken for “drunkenness“
• Focal or general motor deficit, paralysis, hemiparesis
• Paresthesia, headache
• Stupor, coma, abnormal breathing
• Generalized or focal seizures

So last night, I will list what I felt.

Nothing.

Which would place me at the “stupor” symptom?

However, according to my boyfriend, I was crying, anxious, personality change, emotional lability, confusion, staring, “glassy” look, automatic behavior, difficulty speaking, slurred speech, and incoordination. That’s quite a lot considering I’m still stuck in the nothing part.  I remember briefly, almost like I was drowing, that I was trying to get my boyfriend to wait and that maybe in waiting my glucose levels would go up.  I had no idea what exactly was going on.  There was buzzing in my ears and again, I don’t know how I moved, talked or got dressed.  I remember feeling paranoid at one point but I was just NOT THERE to feel much more than that.

Hmmm…so I think it’s suffice to say…I had a helluva scary night.

So in the time span of less than one week, I was at the hyper and hypo extremes of my disease. I feel like I deserve a medal. At the least my boyfriend does. When my sugars were back in the healthy zones, he looked scared and exhausted. But he was awesome

For more info, use wiki or google but here’s some links to peruse…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diabetes_mellitus

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperglycemia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diabetic_ketoacidosis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypoglycemia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroglycopenia

Me likes da BUSH April 3, 2009

So it’s in…it’s official…I started a trend years ago and y’all are FINALLY catching up with me…Man, it feels good to be ahead of the times…

Where all of you were running your tongues over hairless genitals and loving the slippery smooth, skin feeling of your metrosexuals…I was spitting out the hairballs and loving the primal scent and feel of BUSH!!!

Yes, I said it…BUSH!

I’ve been obsessing over my partner’s over abundance of body hair and swooning every time he took off his clothes to reveal that wiry, body hair! Now y’all are catching up with my sophisticated, avant guard taste…HA! IN YO FACE BEETCH!!!

It’s time ladies to stop sharing your hair removal cream and tweezers with your better halves and go back to enjoying some neanderthal loving…or was is homo sapien?

No more “metrosexuals” or who had the worst back hair waxing experience, men…let it grow in and become primal again…studies show that WOMEN WANT THE BUSH.

One of the country’s leading demographers, Bernard Salt, says that if evolutionary theory is correct, women have started — or are about to start — turning to stronger, bigger men.

“During the downturn, the theory is that women are concerned about safety, security, food supply, and, so, their taste in men will shift from the androgynous hairless metrosexual towards the more muscular primal hairy male,” Mr Salt said.

YYEAAHHH FOR ME!!!

The world’s male population is going to be on display FOR ME!!! It’s like a big party all for me and I stole all the invites cause guess what?-I LIKE BUSH!!!!

It’s ABOUT time that we get rid of the hairless, boy-ish looking men out there. I was never into the whole “hey, it looks like I’m dating a guy who LOOKS like they’re still in high school” thing…I mean…think of it this way…you’re in bed and the moonlight is the only source of light and you’re in the throes of earth shattering sex and holy shit he has NO HAIR!!! And then you wonder if this man-boy has a curfew and if you should have carded him before bringing him to your house and what happens if the cops show up and throw your sorry, horny ass into jail for statutory rape and oh wait…I’m getting carried away…but back to the moonlight…I could think of a million things more ascetically pleasing than a hairless chest…it’s just EEWWW!!!! (Sorry men who are genetically indisposed to not growing a rug on the chest…but eewww)

Me woman (sexy, sleek HAIRLESS goddess) you man (oh…HAIRY, strong, masculine, manly-man)

When I see bush, I wouldn’t mind being a cave woman and getting bonked on the head with a big old club before having intercourse…YES YES YES…I see bush and quite frankly, I think of Ron Jeremy. Ron f%#$ing Jeremy!!! He is THE MAN! He is the GOLIATH of men with his pubes all over the place…he can still give it to a woman any which way she wants cause he CAN!!! (ok, note to self…if he wasn’t hung like a horse, then no way would I be using him as an example, but COME ON!!! It’s Ron f%#$ing Jeremy!!!)

I love this recession we’re living in…just for the simple fact that everyone will be like me now and discover how AWESOME a little bush is…and A LOT is even better FYI though…get your own cause I ain’t giving up mine to NOBODY

I’m going to leave you on this note…

There’s nothing wrong with a little flossing :-p

For the full article, go to http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,25286668-662,00.html

It’s my funeral and I’ll cry if I want to… April 3, 2009

I read an extremely interesting article the other day and I just have way too many comments to keep my mouth shut. Today’s topic…assisted suicide.

“The founder of the Swiss assisted suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized yesterday after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die alongside her terminally ill husband.”

OK ok ok ok…let’s take the time to re-read the introduction one more time. I’ll give you 5 seconds to read it again…hell, I’ll even re-post it…

“THE FOUNDER OF THE SWISS ASSISTED SUICIDE CLINIC DIGNITAS WAS CRITICIZED YESTERDAY AFTER REVEALING PLANS TO HELP A HEALTHY WOMAN TO DIE ALONGSIDE HER TERMINALLY ILL HUSBAND.”

Alright…so now that we know your glasses prescription isn’t out of wack, let’s contemplate this. I have 3 words to say…OHH EMM GEE!!!

So now we allow people to actively seek out someone to “assist” in their suicide when their partner is terminally ill…ookkk…now, call me facetious (please do!!!) but as much as I love my boyfriend to pieces, and even if we spend the rest of our lives together (we’re working on that…going good so far) um…widowhood is the new trend…ESPECIALLY with the baby boomers starting to die, slowly but surely. You KNOW they’re gonna turn widowhood into the biggest thing since…well…let’s see, what have the baby boomers made trendy…eeuuuhhh…LSD? Heroine? Cocaine? Richard Simmons? Yoga? E-HARMONY?!?! I mean, yes, I understand if you’re both in your 70’s and have been together 50 years and let’s say partner a has 6 months to live and partner b has like 1 year to live…go out with a BANG! But…c’mon…COME ON!!! Don’t feed me this garbage of “I want to die beside my partner” yadda yadda blah blah boo hoo… “For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.”-William Shakespeare

Now, in this article I read, there was lots of talk about when assisted suicide is appropriate. Yes, I do agree that there are appropriate circumstances. Really, I do.

“Mr Minelli said that anyone who has “mental capacity” should be allowed to have an assisted suicide, claiming that it would save money…”

Yes, I like the sound of that…save money…I live to save money. I also too wouldn’t mind the .0001% of my tax dollars to go towards someone who NEEDS it, not some poor “mentally capable” person who is lamenting their life away and wasting that $0.0001 that COULD be going towards my child’s education!!! I know I sound like sarcastic bitch at the moment, but there was something else that made me ponder life’s injustice…

“For 50 attempts you have one suicide and the odds of failing with heavy costs,”

So…um…2% of suicides actually succeed? That’s…well, that boggles my mind, considering out of the 20-odd people I know who were depressed enough to kill themselves, only 3 didn’t die. I guess my kind of people laugh at the others who need the assistance, because obviously they’re not costing us tax payers any extra money. I do however have a beef with hospitals that spend ressources and money on suicide attempts. Without going into detail (because I’m sure some of you know who I’m about to talk about) we waste an awful lot of…manpower and take up beds and ressources and well…just a lot of effort for someone who doesn’t want it. I once knew someone who jumped on the S train and unfortunately (or fortunately?) held onto life for a week…a very long and complicated week. Now, I’m apologizing in advance if I may sound heartless, but this made me contemplate…very hard. And, off the record, to this day I’m still conflicted and hurt very deeply over my loss of someone who I cared about very deeply. Now, back to my complicated issue. For one week, this person held onto life. If only he could come out of his coma to receive a kidney…a kidney would save him!!! But alas, life was ripped from him and the kidney went to someone else. Now, that’s the ONLY part of this whole story I don’t like. A kidney was on hold for this person who I considered a close friend. A kidney was ON ICE, probably 20 feet away from my friend should he need it. My father, who had renal failure for over 5 years had to wait for a kidney transplant…5 years…and I’m sure if tomorrow I suffered renal failure, I would be put on a waiting list that’s as long as Santa’s naughty list, unless if I went black market and even then I couldn’t guarantee that I’d be getting a human kidney. Imagine if my friend who have survived and received a kidney. He would be alive today, but horribly damaged. Physically and emotionally. Which means maybe hospitalization and regular follow ups with a GP, an endocrinologist, a dietitian, a psychologist, a social worker, lots and lots of medicine and hours of therapy…to maybe cure a severely depressed person. MAYBE…again, statistics show that 2% of attempts actually turn into successes. It’s like repeat offenders…how many times does someone have to get arrested before we learn and they learn that their behavior is BAD BAD BAD…

Bottom line is that we’re supposed to be free to make our own destinies…some people don’t feel up to living a full life and dying by natural causes, others fight until the end. Some people feel that they can’t pass life’s hurtles, others feel like they can take on the world. Maybe cause my days are numbered or maybe it’s cause I’m as stubborn as a mule…but I don’t want to take my life and I’m going to fight tooth and nails to whoever or whatever tries to take that away from me. I know I’ll be devastated when I lose my partner, my family, my close friends…but I know that life goes on and the void they leave behind can never be totally filled…It can however be looked at with fond memories and those memories are that person’s legacy…and for someone who wants to affect everyone’s life and be remembered indefinitely, that’s the most important thing in the world for me.

To view the full article, please go to http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6021947.ece

I want to be part of Oprah’s Book Club March 23, 2009

I have read books and blogs and comments and articles and the back of milk cartons on how to loose weight…oh wait, maybe the milk cartons were saying LOST-WHITE CHILD…but I just see the lost part.  I peruse so many weight loss sites and watch the spyware and annoying pop ups violate my screen…promises of trim, flat belly in only 30 days with this previously un-used, well kept Buddhist monk secret that involves acai berries, oolong tea and being published in Oprah’s book of the month selection.

What makes a successful weight loss program work?

Hmmm…I’m not quite sure…I haven’t consistently been on one for more than a few months here and there…

Let me rephrase that question…

What does healthy living consist of?

THAT I can answer…

It comes down to what you feed yourself…and not just calorie wise.  If you tell yourself, day in and day out, yyeeaahhh, this French fry won’t hurt me because I wear a size 5 (and you’ve been telling yourself that consistently for the past 4 months…daily) or I’m gonna die anyways, so I might as well die doing something I like (I said that…over and over again…every time I lit up a cigarette…for many cold winters outside) then you kind of live in denial…seriously. I have tried the chain smoking diet to lose that extra 5 lbs that seem to linger, or the soup diet that promises to rid you of 5-10 lbs!!! But that’s not really healthy eating. I never felt good eating just cabbages or the MacPoulet trio while smoking 2 packs of JPS (I was looking for the burn…seriously)…I know recently that I needed to really change what goes into my mouth…and it wasn’t easy…for the first few days that is.

Now, I knew what I could do in my situation but I don’t have the balls to do it…seriously. As much as my balls are bigger than most other people’s balls, this I couldn’t do. I could never ever ever ever…oh, did I say NEVER…develop an eating disorder. I think it was kind of cool to be obsessive of not putting food in your mouth at one point and only ingest illegal narcotics…but I’m too old for that…seriously. I was reading about an eating disorder that mostly women develop when they are type 1 diabetic, like myself. And when I read the articles written, and the blogs posted and I saw the statistics, I almost fell off my chair. It was that scary.

It’s a disorder called diabulimia. According to Wiki, Diabulimia (a portmanteau of diabetes and bulimia) refers to an eating disorder in which people with Type 1 diabetes deliberately give themselves less insulin than they need, for the purpose of weight loss.

Now why on earth would someone do that? Already having diabetes is totally…well, time consuming and when you’re not hitting your glycemic targets, well…it’s no fun. You’re tired, disoriented, have to pee ALL THE TIME (trust me, having a life that consists of your pants around your ankles without having any human contact isn’t fun…AT ALL) just to be SKINNY? Now I tried to jump on the anorexia bandwagon eons ago…I didn’t get past lunch. Maybe because I have always been…or wait, let me rephrase that…maybe because I was somewhat ROTUND in my childhood and early adolescent years, I always have that image of myself that I’m somewhat more…rubenesque…however, I have always maintained a healthy appetite…for everything in life.

Back to this diabulimia…I know what it’s like to be high (and I’m not just referring to big doobs here) but after a few hours of really high glycemic levels, you feel like garbage. And not taking your insulin can lead to diabetic ketoacidosis. That’s bad times. It has happened to me once. It was the worst 48 hours OF MY LIFE. I would drink water and throw it up less that 30 seconds later and it would be SMOKING HOT. I had the WORST acid reflux and I think I lost 16 lbs in less than a week. I can already hear some people sound vaguely impressed but let me tell you…it hurt and it sucked…big time. I came out of the hospital with bruises up and down my arms…BOTH arms. My skin was extremely dry (high blood sugars make you thirsty…not like I’m drinking to keep healthy thirsty or I just finished working out thirsty…picture OMG I’ve been in the desert without water for 6 months thirsty and multiply that by…a million?) and I looked like garbage. Literally. I had heavy black circles under my eyes (even the Goths and Emos looked at me funny) and I was shaking all the time. I felt like someone ran me over with Big Foot…and his entire posse.

I can’t believe that people would induce this…VOLUNTARILY. Thank god I only ever had to live that experience once and it was involuntary. When I’m looking over the side effects, it’s kind of spooky because Death is mentioned in the Medium and Long term effects. And medium term effects doesn’t seem like a long time. It only took me about 1 week to end up in the hospital’s emergency room, and I was taking my insulin…just not enough. So you can probably die from doing this for a few weeks. It’s more dangerous than diet pills or anorexia. At the least anorexia won’t cause you much damage for at the least a few months…this can kill you in WEEKS!!! I was looking at forums about this recently and there was some teenage girls who were SHOWING OFF their super control of their glycemic levels BY NOT TAKING THEIR INSULIN!!!

I wish that these girls (and yes, the few boys as well) had to live the same experiences that I lived growing up. Watching my father leave for the hospital three times a week to do his dialysis treatments. Visiting the metabolic clinic and getting a tour and explanations of the machines and seeing the ravenous side effects of diabetes. Meeting and genuinely liking a renal failure patient and watching him die at the ripe old age of 14. Crying as my father got taken away in the ambulance because he suffered yet another heart attack/stroke…all before the age of 16. When I became diabetic, I told myself that I never wanted to be in that position. Yes, I’ve gone through my rebel stage and I’ve had my fair shares of hyper and hypoglycemic attacks…but I tell myself now, by starting a new healthy lifestyle, that I won’t be like these emancipated women who forcefully damage their health and future by not taking their life saving medication. Fortunately for diabetics here in Canada, our health care system spoils us by paying for most of our medication. I don’t want that taken away because of a few individuals who abuse the system.

So for me, healthy lifestyle is eating foods that are good for me (and yes, the odd “GOOD TASTING” food..c’mon, I’m not PERFECT) moving every day, even sweating and trying to accept my body the way it is. I also, as much as it drives me crazy, test my glucose levels several times a day and write everything down in my cute little food/workout journal. I write as well how I’m feeling and if I’m experiencing any health issues that day and then I have another little journal that I keep where I write down any questions or concerns that I may have that I want to google or actually ask my doctor. That’s pretty anal I know…but until I can wake up in the morning and take healthy living for granted, that is what I need to do. I will also continue reading blogs, articles, youtube videos and of course my favorite pop ups that will redirect me to the secret of mankind…and I will take what I find relevant as information and use it and I will be on Oprah’s Book Club List…seriously, watch out for me.

Hello world! March 3, 2009

Howdy all!

I’m starting a new blog…I have never blogged before but everyone else is doing it, so I thought it was about time I jumped on the bandwagon.

I have oodles of stuff to write about (I have almost 20 years of journals lying around) and I love to write.  I don’t think I have any particular interest when it comes to specific subjects and I love to write about pretty much everything.  I love the english language as well and love to play around with words.  I love words…:-D

Anyways, hope you sometimes take a peek on my page and let me know what you think.

Cheers