So…the age of technology brings us together. We have access to millions of websites, and the world is literally a click away…24/7, 7 days a week ALL THE TIME!!!
That’s fabulous…really it is…especially since I make it sound like a second hand car salesman pitch…
However, what about the cyber girlfriend? How much of a click away is she? And can you claim her in your divorce petition?
YES YOU CAN.
With cyber surfing at IT’S PEAK, you can do anything you want. Look up that ex on facebook, send them pictures of you and your happy family, start chit chatting about that one time, at band camp…then innocently hook up for some “cyber”…yes, “cyber”.
Cybersex, computer sex, internet sex or net sex is a virtual sex encounter in which two or more persons connected remotely via a computer network send one another sexually explicit messages describing a sexual experience. It is a form of role-playing in which the participants pretend they are having actual sexual relations. (Thanks wiki…what would I do without you)
So…cybering turns into a regular thing. Its disease free, it’s monetarily free, there’s no wining, no dining and hey, you don’t even have to shower or clean up your place before, during or after. There’s NO incriminating evidence aside from your browsing history and cookies, and not the double stuffed Oreo type cookies. I mean how great is that? You can look into your wife/girlfriend’s eyes and tell her HONESTLY that you ARE NOT SLEEPING WITH ANYONE ELSE. However, in most cases, cyber turns bad (unless if you are paying to watch a lesbian couple have sex through web cam with your credit card)
Guess what happens when you’re chatting with someone who doesn’t really know your uber bad habits, and they’re just someone you know via the internet…you start talking to them about your life. Every little, teeny, tiny ant hill sized bump in your relationship is overly analyzed by someone who quickly becomes the third party in your happy twosome. You know that expression “make a mountain out of an ant hill”…or something along those lines? That’s what happens when you have a mistress, or lover, or what I like to call a concubine. What makes it a little worse on the internet is that you don’t SEE what the other person looks like at the moment. You’re not making that face to face contact with them so they can’t tell if you’re holding back or lying. You’re also too not telling them the WHOLE story (you know the oh so very important part of the argument/disagreement)
Let’s give an example. This didn’t happen to me but it is a true story.
I had a girl friend that was having problems with her boyfriend. They were together for about 3-4 years then and she was always complaining and crying to our little group of friends from university and she was clearly the most pathetic, miserable person IN THE WORLD and she was fed up with living the life of a MARTYR because her boyfriend was horrible. So, being at a university with over 10 000 students, I’m thinking…hey, why doesn’t she do like me and troll the university and meet some interesting, fuckeable people like I had managed to do? (I was younger, single and horny ok? 
) She had the opportunity of a lifetime. University should change its name to something more…accurate. It should be called “the gathering of young 20-something rabbits in heat humping each other and stressing out over their 17th coffee in a row over that midterm that only counts for 5% of your final mark and then wonder why you have severe anxiety syndrome AND that funny bump on your genitals that somewhat grew and is turning red and itches so this means you need to sleep with that pre-med student so they can diagnose you for free)
Anyways, back to my poor, martyred friend who had had enough, and I mean ENOUGH from her current situation. I, being in my single, carefree only cares about herself stage of my life, told her to go have a one night stand to see if she could and to get it out of her system. If we fast forward 6 ½ years into the future in my current I care about my boyfriend/future spouse and my stepson and am working hard to create a healthy womb for my future children, then I would tell her she’s nuts and to stop whining and to either piss or get off the pot and to communicate with her partner. Look at what ovaries and domesticality can do to your train of thought. *sigh*
What does she decide to do? Sleep with her professor? NNNNOOOO. Sleep with some frat boy? NNNOOO. Go troll downtown Montreal during spring break and try hooking up with some random stranger? NNNOOO.
She decides to go ONLINE and find SOMEONE. That “someone” turned out to be a “student completing their master’s in philosophy in another rabbit humping locale in another city in Canada with a beer bong attached to his school’s official baseball hat.” My friend being the way she is, looked up this guy through the university’s student directory, found out he was legit and started communicating with him…all the time.
We were no longer her sisterhood that she could turn too over every boo boo her current HORRIBLE boyfriend committed, we were her sound board over how OMG AWESOME this almost master’s in hand guy was from butt fuck nowhere (for me butt fuck nowhere is everywhere that doesn’t have me in it…sorry world, you’re just a butt fuck nowhere kinda place)
Guess what happened? Her boyfriend called ME up in the middle of the night and asked me what the hell was wrong with HIS girlfriend. (This is what you get by the way when you are the SINGLE girl in someone’s group of friends because you know all the answers and you can be awakened at 3 am because you don’t have a snoring partner beside you) I feigned ignorance and told him to call me in the morning. He called at 8am. *sigh* I was starting to understand my friend’s discontent with her partner, just a little.
We went out for coffee. I pretended I was an exchange student from Sweden. “Ja? Nooo…uumm…Ja Ja Ja JA” He didn’t fall for it but I did get a bagel and coffee for free and I didn’t even have to show him my ta tas… How cool is that?
So this went on for a while…until I kinda took my girl friend aside and pretty much told her that her boyfriend was a super nice guy and that she had to stop. So what did she do? She LEFT HER BOYFRIEND. And then she went to the butt fuck nowhere town for a week to meet Mr. Master’s in philosophy. And she came back 3 days later devastated. Why? They had no real chemistry face to face and she realized she left the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HER. Did he take her back? What do you think?…
Anyways, cyber flirting, dating, sex whatever is just not…well…it just doesn’t help your relationship when things start to go bad. Because you’re always wondering “what if”…Do I condone cheating? No. Is there ever a good excuse to cheat? No. However, I would prefer that my boyfriend, if he were ever to cheat on me, tell me “I got super drunk and someone slipped some GHB into my drink and I woke up with some girl I don’t know sitting on my cock and my kidneys removed and sold on the black market” instead of “I like to chat with this girl who added me to her facebook friends a few months ago and I think I’m in love with her”… Actually, I hope my boyfriend never has this conversation with me, because if he does, I will probably “Bobbitt” him and the dirty slut he’s in love with.
Which is why I love these forms.
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following
period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the
stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak
to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile
after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for
a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if
permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me
the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total
Locations to be visited
Females with whom conversation
is permitted
IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above,
I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic
dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of
the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree
it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost
me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards
whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree,
should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any
stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I
promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you
up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half),
the above information is correct.
Signed – Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
Request is: APPROVED DENIED
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:
Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS
Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:
I’m going out.
Signed: (me) _____________________________
If only we could use them in REAL life, eh?
